Always the Bad Guy

20130514_192907-picsayAh, I’m home from a long day of working out in the heat. Put on some nice, cool gym shorts and a wife beater, plop down in bed under the fan. About a minute and a half goes by when:

THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK. I’d recognize those plodding footsteps anywhere. Here comes my 4 year old son, Aevin.

-Hey, Dad

Sup, bud?

-Lets play Star Wars.

Ok, go get some guys and bring them in here.

-No, like fight with lightsabers in the living room.

In a minute bud, let me relax a little.

-K.

3 minutes later: THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK

Alright, alright, I’m up. Get the lightsabers. He runs and gets them from his room and comes back , informing me that he’s a Jedi and I’m a Sith. Hey, why am I always the bad guy? I want to be a Jedi sometimes!

-Dad, just be a Sith.

Fine. Lets go, I’m gonna crush you, boy.

-No you’re not! He yells as he runs to the living room.

We circle each other. We eye each other up and down.

-Dad, get on your knees!

Nope, Dads a big Sith today. Then he says -Force push! So I pretend to fall back and he attacks! Blocked! Blocked! Oh, he got me on the leg! Guess I’m going to be a short Sith after all. He moves in for the kill….blocked and there goes his saber! Now, young fool, you will feel the full power of the darkside! And I start tickling him and he’s laughing and writhing around and reaches out his hand to force grab his lightsaber, so I have to comply with this and get up and get his saber and act like it flew to his hand when I wasn’t looking. And then he stabs me. Good guy wins again.

-K Dad, I’ll be right back!

ThunkThunkThunkThunkThunk

Waiting. Waiting.

-Dad! I need help!

I go to his room and find him struggling to put on a cape. -Can you put this on me, Dad? he asks. Sure, son. There, how’s that? -K, now go back to the living room! Oookay.

THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK

Now here he is with his cape, mask and a batarang.

-Lets pretend I’m Batman and you’re Bane.

Figures.

Bane attacks, but Batman is too quick. He jumps on Banes back! -Dad, pretend I cut your hoses with my batarang! Fine. Arrrgh, Bane is now weak and gets pummeled by Batman! -Now pretend I took you to jail. Ok. Good guy wins. Again.

-Hold on, Dad, timeout!

ThunkThunkThunkThunkThunk

Now its Captain America with a shield and mask.

-k, Dad, I’m Captain, and you’re Hulk.

But they’re on the same team!

-Just pretend Hulk is mad and is smashing everything!

Fine. Hulk smash puny boy! Shield blocks Hulks punches! Hulk picks up lil’ Captain and slams him on the couch! Captain is unfazed, slings shield at Hulk’s gut! Hulk is really mad now! Captain ducks the Hulks punches and runs for his shield! Shield up just as Hulk starts throwing couch pillows (AKA rocks) at Captain! All blocked! But then Hulk picks up a couch cushion and chucks it! Blocked, but the shield smashes into Captains lip! Man down! Captain America is crying! Hulk softens up a bit: Let me see, bud. Good block, but the cushion was a little too big, huh?

From the kitchen:

-I knew someone was going to get hurt!

Oh, be quiet, woman (under breath)

-What was that??

Nothin, Honey!

-Mom! Dad said be….

Hey! Captain America! What are you tattling for?! Glad to see you’re feeling better! Hulk tickle puny boy!

Now he’s laughing and writhing again -force grab! (for his shield). Nope, Captain America doesn’t have force powers! You’re toast! So he gets desperate:

-Sis! Help! Sis! Presley!

She’s not going to help you, boy. Good Luck Charlie is on!

thunkthunkthunkthunk

Bam! 50 pounds on my back! Sister to the rescue!

Dramatic: -leave my brother alone, you Toilet Head!

Oooooh, sis. You shoulda sat this one out! Body slam on the couch!

-Owwww, daddy!

Well, sis, jeez, if you can’t take the heat, get out of the……BAM a sucker kick to the gut! Hulk is raging now! Hulk tickle puny girl!

-AHHHH Aevin! HELP! AEVIN!

He left you, little girl, you’re alllll alone…

THUNKTHUNKTHUNKTHUNKTHUNK

-Thats enough, Hulk!

I turn around and now he’s got his Thor hammer. Hulk smash puny M.C. Hammer! Raaaaargh Hulk attacks in slow motion, and Thor swings his hammer in slow motion (some action sequences just call for slow motion)……bbbbBBBAAAAMM right in the chin! Hulk is stunned!

-We are not your enemies, Banner! (love this kid)

Hulk SMASH! But Thor throws his hammer at Hulk! Hulk tries to pick it up, but only Thor can hold mighty Mjolnir! Thor cracks Hulk in the eye with his tiny fist that fits perfectly in Hulks eye socket! Hulk is stunned!

-Sis! Pretend you’re Betty!

-Be nice, Hulk! Breathe, Hulk, good Hulk.

Beh….tee?

-Yes, I’m Betty, Hulk, sshhh go to sleep. Niiice Hulk, goood Hulk….

And Hulk falls back and turns into puny Bruce Banner. Betty saves the day for the good guys. Thor stomps on Hulk for good measure. Ohhh THATS gonna cost you, Tinkerbell!

-Wait, Dad! Be right back! Come on, sis!

THUNKTHUNKTHUNKTHUNKTHUNKTHUNK

Now I’m facing down some kind of blind ninja because the mask is half covering his eyes. Pres is too cool for a mask.

-K, dad, I’m Michaelangelo and sis is Leonardo. And you’re Shredder!

Ok, this should be easy.

-No, wait. Dad, you’re a foot soldier!

Too late. I’m Shredder.

-Nooo, Daaaad!

You fight well, in the old style. But now you face….THE SHREDDER!

-Whatever, Dad. Chaaaarge!

Whoops, there goes Mikey into the couch. Leonardo is about to get tossed when….

-Wait, Dad, I’m on your team now!

And Leonardo kicks Michaelangelo!

-Owwww Sis!

It’s a Ninja Turtle fight! Shredder laughs his evil laugh BWAHAHAHA fools! But then they unite again, and Shredder is in the fetal position, being pummeled with a plastic Katana and a plastic nun-chuck. Which actually kind of hurts. Shredder is down! The Turtles stand on his prone carcass! -We were AWESOME!

Ok, now what, guys?

-lets rest, dad, I’m sweaty. -yeah, break time.

Hey, you guys remember that movie we watched at Grandma Bonnies with the boy and the girl and they’re running from the dinosaurs in the kitchen?

-yeah -yeah, Dinosaur Park.

Lets play that.

-nooo dad, I don’t want to play dinosaurs! -I’m hot!

Too bad. I’m counting to 5, then I’m eating kids. 1…

-Nooo daaad (whining) I don’t want to play that! -Seriously dad, its WAY too hot!

2…

-nooooo daddy! -Time out! Rest time!

3…..I’m having kids tonight!

-DAAAAAD (but they start getting up)

4………

-move, Aevin! -aaahhh wait for me, sis!

5! RAAAAAAAAARGH

-aaaaahhhh go to the room, sis! Get some blasters!

THUNKthunkTHUNKthunkTHUNKthunkTHUNKthunkTHUNKthunk

The other day my son was running around the house with a “blaster” and my wife asked him, “Whatcha doing, Aevin? Catching bad guys?” My son replied with a look and “Mom, bad guys aren’t real.” Innocence. It’s our instinct as parents to shield our kids from the bad things in the world. We’ve already warned them about “stranger danger” and bullies, but at what age do we talk to them about the REALLY bad stuff? That there really ARE bad guys out there. That there really ARE people out there out to harm others, and there’s no Superman to pummel them and whisk them away to jail. When we tell them there’s no such thing as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny? Or do they just learn on their own? I just hope they stay innocent for as long as possible. I kind of like being the Hulk….

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About BakoRamblinDad

I'm a happily married father of 2 beautiful children, ages 4 and 6. My posts are about whatever enters my shockingly simple brain. From parenthood to Tupac, I just never know.
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6 Responses to Always the Bad Guy

  1. Hey great stuff. You sound like a great and fun dad. Dont miss a chance to play star wars with your kids. When they have grown up, people just wont understand. I was reading your post and the whole time I was waiting to hear that one of them light sabered you in the nuts. Glad you were OK.

  2. pieterk515 says:

    So glad to know there are more dads out there and can reference Hulk, Captain America, TMNT and Star Wars! Even threw in some Good Luck Charlie. Kudo’s dad and respect Bro. I thought I was the only one… Geeks rule…

    • Amen. One of the perks of fatherhood is being able to re-visit your own childhood!

      • pieterk515 says:

        Absolutely. I use to convince my son that the coolest Playstation games were made by Marvel and DC.

        At 13 he is slightly wiser, and I cannot play Modern Warfare to save my ass.

        We still watch the movies together though…

      • My boy is 4, and he likes TMNT. So I busted out TMNT 2 on nintendo (the first one sucked) and he liked it, but still prefers playin with the figures. Which is completelyok with me.

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