Zombies at Bedtime

My kids have a bedtime routine: have vitamins, brush teeth, go pee, say goodnight. If they accomplish that in a timely manner, with little or no stalling, I’ll usually tell them a bedtime story. I let them pick the characters and tell a story around them. My son will want a superhero or Star Wars character and my daughter usually picks some sort of princess. I throw in a little boy and girl (for them to relate to, but I never use names) some kind of animal in distress, and a bad guy. In the end they all team up and save the day.

Truth be told, I was getting a little burnt out. And quite frankly, I was running out of ideas. Theres only so many times Yoda and Cinderella can save the poor little baby raccoon that 2 kids found in the dark forest and get it back to its grateful mother before the evil droids capture it. For whatever reason.

So one night I announced that I was going to be telling a different kind of story tonight.

-I want Anakin and Green Lantern!

-Rapunzel!

Nope and nope.

-Then who’s going to be in it, dad?

Zombies.

Aevin starts whining: -noooo dad, I don’t like zombies!

Presley: -Dad. If you tell a zombie story, then we’re sleeping with you and mommy tonight.

Relax, it’ll be a nice story.

Aevin (whining)- I’m scared.

Presley -you said no zombies after dark!

Aevin, man up. And yes, Pres, I said no zombies after dark, but this will be a fun story. If you don’t like it, then you can sleep with Mom (they couldn’t care less if I’m there. In fact, they prefer it to be just Mom. More room, less stinky).

Aevin (whining and sniffling) -ok.

Presley -Fine. But it better not be scary.

So I ended up telling them a story about a zombie kid named Lil’ Richard who was just trying to get by in the land of the living.

Lo and behold, the kids liked it, but still ended up sleeping with Mommy because they’re spoiled like that.

Anyway, Lil’ Richard stories were then officially added to the rotation with the super heroes and the princesses. What follows is a Lil’ Richard story I told the other night, with the kids reactions thrown in. Not word for word, but pretty darn close. If you like it and have kids, try it out on them, see what they say, and get back to me. That way I can see if my kids have a normal sense of humor or if they have issues I’ll be dealing with when they’re in their teens. Also, buy them a Lil’ Richard action figure, coming soon to Target! And be on the look out for Lil’ Richard Angry Birds! And the show on the Disney Channel!

Once upon a time all stories must start with “once upon a time”. It’s a law.there was a school. And it was just like any other school…

Presley: -Is it MY school?

No, it’s not your school. It’s just a school.

Presley: -Is it Jaylin’s school?

Aevin: -Pres! He said it’s just a school!

OMG, guys.

Anyway. On the playground there were 4 boys playing keep away from another boy. The boy in the middle was really slow and kind of shuffled his feet and he couldn’t quite catch what the other boys were throwing.

Aevin: -Was it a ball?

No, it was not a ball. It was an arm! They were playing keep away with the poor kids arm!

Presley: -Was it bloody? I bet there was a lot of blood.

No, it wasn’t bloody. But the poor one armed kid in the middle was getting upset. He kept shuffling back and forth saying “rrraaarrggh” and flailing around with his other arm, but he was just too slow. The kids were taunting him and saying things like “Ha ha Richard, we got your arm!” and “Ha ha, look at the zombie, he’s so slow!” and “Ha ha, clap if you want your arm back, Richard, clap!”

Presley: -I don’t like this story. Why are those kids being mean?

Aevin: -I don’t like bullies.

Presley -You don’t even know what a bully IS, Aevin.

Aevin -You’re a bully.

Hey. Come on. It’s just a story, guys. Anyway, all of a sudden a little girl came running up and caught the arm and said “Knock it off you guys! Why do you have to be so mean??” And so they started making fun of her by saying “Ooooh look at

What should her name be?

Presley: -Melody!

“Ooooh look at Melody, protecting her boooyfriend! Richard and Melody sitting in a tree! Smooching smooching O-M-G!” But Melody didn’t care: “Leave him alone, TOMMY, or I’m going to tell on you!” At that time the bell rang, so Tommy said “FINE, keep his arm, maybe you can scratch his back with it!” And the other kids all laughed and ran back to class. Melody turned to Richard and said “Here, let me help you with this. Don’t let those kids get you down, they’re just being mean because they think it makes them look cool.” And she tried to put Richards arm back on him, but it was backwards!

Aevin: -Heh heh backwards.

Melody said “Ooops, lets turn it around. There ya go!” and Lil’ Richard said, “Raaaargh”. Melody said “I don’t know what you just said, but I think you said ‘thank you’. Soooo you’re welcome! See ya later!” And she ran to class. Lil’ Richard slowly shuffled to his.

Later at lunch Melody was sitting with her younger brother…

What should his name be, guys?

Aevin: -Poop head!

Alright, guys, goodnight.

Aevin: -Noooo! Daaad!

Well, come on, this is serious stuff! What’s his name going to be?

Presley: -Derik!

Ok, so Melody was sitting with her younger brother Derik and her friend…Betty. Melody said, “Aww look at Lil’ Richard. He’s all by himself. I’m going to invite him to sit with us.” But Betty said, “Nooo! The other kids will make fun of us! Besides, he smells like rotten eggs!” Derik said, “heh heh, rotten eggs.”

Aevin: -heh heh, rotten eggs.

But Melody didn’t care. She said, “Well if he can’t sit with us, I’m sitting with him. You coming, Derik?” And Derik said, “Sure, sis.” And they got up to go sit with Lil’ Richard. And Betty said, “Hey! Wait for me!” and went too.
Melody said, “Hi Richard. Mind if we join you?” And poor Lil’ Richard looked scared. But he nodded his head yes. They all sat down and started taking their lunch bags out of their backpacks. At that moment, the bullies came over.

Aevin/Presley -Booooo!

“Hey, Richard, whatcha eatin’?” said Tommy. “I bet it’s a foot!” said one bully. “I bet it’s a butt crack!” said another

Aevin/Presley -ha ha buttcrack!

The fourth bully said “I bet it’s a slice of pizza!” And they all looked at him, and then he said “A slice of pizza with boogers on it!” and then started chanting “booger pizza! booger pizza!” and since kids are suckers for chants, no matter how dumb the chant is, they all joined in. “Quiet!” said Tommy, “lets see what it is!” And he pulled from Lil’ Richards bag a……sandwich. “A sandwich??” “I bet it’s an eyeball sandwich!” “An ear sandwich!” “A peanut butter sandwich!” They all looked at the last kid again, so he said, “A peanut butter and booger sandwich!” And started chanting again. So Tommy said, “I’ll find out riiiight now!” and pulled the bread open and saw that it was just a bologna sandwich. Melody said, ” Ok, guys, you see it’s just a normal sandwich. Now leave us alone!” And Tommy said, “Whatever. I bet it’s a brain bologna sandwich!” And then he crumpled up the sandwich into a ball and handed it to Lil’ Richard. Then the bullies all left. Lil’ Richard looked sadly at his sandwich ball

Presley: -Awww poor Richard! What’s he going to have for lunch??

Aevin: -Heh heh, sandwich ball

So Melody said, “Here, Richard, you can have my apple” and she handed him her apple. Richard looked at it confused. He’d never had one before. So he opened his mouth and took a biiiig bite….and all his teeth came out! They were all stuck in the apple!

Aevin: -ha ha ha stuck in the apple!

Presley: -ha ha ha gross!

Melody said, “Uhh” and Derik tried not to laugh. Betty said, “I think I’m going to be sick” and ran off. Lil’ Richard just smiled a toothless smile at them, and Melody said, “Come on, Richard, lets go to the nurse’s office.” To Be Continued….

Presley: -So what happened? Did he get his teeth back in?

Sorry, sis. It’s to be continued.

Presley: -Aww Dad! I wanna know! I bet he leaves them for the tooth fairy!

We’ll just have to wait and see!

Aevin: -Can you really eat a buttcrack?